by Hugh Mann
Tech Whiz Tames Panther’s Heart:
Love Blooms in the Sunshine State
MIAMI, FL – In a tale that’s equal parts ’90s rom-com and Florida wildlife adventure, Danielle “Dani” Kazoroski, 50, an IT specialist and owner of the Denver-based TeamLogicIT firm, has found her heart stolen by an unlikely suitor: a 120-pound female Florida panther.
Dani first encountered the majestic feline while on a lunch break hike at Everglades National Park. “I was checking my work emails on my phone when suddenly, this massive cat jumps out of the bushes,” she recalls with a chuckle. “I nearly dropped my iPhone! But then she just sat there, looking at me like she wanted to chat. It was… endearing.”
The panther, who Dani has dubbed “Purrsley,” began following her on her daily lunch hikes, keeping a respectful distance but always within sight. “She’s such a tech-savvy gal,” Dani gushes. “Sometimes, I’ll pull out my laptop to work on a project, and she’ll just sit there, watching me with these big, curious eyes. I swear, she understands me better than my co-workers do.”
As the weeks passed, their bond deepened. Dani started leaving out small treats for Purrsley, and the panther would leave “gifts” of freshly caught prey on her porch. “It’s like a modern-day fairy tale,” says coworker Nicholas Gormally. “But instead of a prince, she’s got a panther, and instead of a glass slipper, it’s half-eaten lizards. Dani’s always been a bit of a wild card, though, so it kinda fits.”
The couple’s love story has captured the hearts of the local community, with many residents and colleagues rooting for the interspecies pair. However, not everyone is thrilled. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officials have warned Dani about the dangers of feeding and approaching wild animals.
“But what can I say?” Dani sighs dreamily. “When you know, you know. And I know that Purrsley and I are meant to be. We’re already planning a ‘paw-ty’ to celebrate our love, and I’m hoping to convince him to wear a kitty tuxedo for the occasion.”
As for the future, Dani is confident that she and Purrsley will make their love work. “They say love conquers all,” she says, gazing out the window where Purrsley can be seen lounging in her driveway. “And I’m not about to let a little thing like ‘species boundaries’ stand in our way. Besides, can you imagine the coding skills our future kittens will have?”
Not-A-Panther News will keep an eye on this developing story.
This story brought to you by
Save the Florida Panther Conservation Group
“Who doesn’t love panthers? We love panthers, like, a whole fucking lot.”
-Steve Perfect, Founder
Florida Children’s Basketball Initiative
“We’re proud to have such a passionate and unconventional advocate for our athletic programs!”
-Claudia Breckinridge, Director
Florida Panther Tiki Bar
“Surf’s up, babe! I’m all for this panther love thing, whatever floats your boat. The more wild and crazy, the better! Ladies night on Fridays and Peach Panther Pussies half off!”
-Charles “The Wave” Wilson, Owner and Operator
The Feline Feminist Front (F3) [Florida Branch]
“This represents a monumental achievement in feline feminist theory; a step forward for pussies everywhere!”
-Katharen Cadwell, Chairwoman